So here’s the thing – in case you couldn’t tell, I’m pretty much an open book. Ask me just about anything and I’ll probably tell you in a lot more details than you’d need. I’m essentially the best secret keeper ever simply for the fact that I have no secrets of my own. The good thing about being able to tell someone of acquaintance anything and everything about myself is that I never really have trouble communicating with anybody. However, not being able to keep any secrets of my own pretty much makes me completely vulnerable. Of course, I do choose who gets to know what, but that still isn’t much of the barrier that I’d like to have (I’m a hermit on more levels than you know).
Upon getting ready for work this morning, I found myself once again hyperventilating as I threw on my uniform shirt. At this point, my foot was practically out the door so I had no excuses to not go to work. I have not a clue how I will react once I got to work but I sucked it up and left the house. I was extremely curious how today would turn out given my moment in the morning. Surprisingly, it was one of the better work days that I’ve had in quite a while. Now, I’ve always been an advocate of connecting with friends or anyone that you can talk to if you need a way out of the dark yet I always fail to apply this rule to myself when I’m caught in a ditch. I honestly don’t care whether you’re just sitting there pretending that you’re listening or if you genuinely care, I just need a pair of ears – stay with me here.
It started with one after another coworker asking me where I’ve been, of course I’m not one to tell everyone what’s going on in my life through a megaphone so I did have some complications with answering this question. More or less, there are definitely a few individuals whom I can talk to a lot more than others. I’ve explained what happened in the past two weeks: the symptoms, the events, the melt down, what I thought the trigger was, etc. The more I talked, the more I was able to relax. By the end of the day, I felt just like I did as if it were any other normal work day. I wasn’t completely under the cloud, I wasn’t fidgeting and confused – I was relieved, I was relaxed, and I was enjoying myself (yes, at work. We had cupcakes today courtesy of my manager).
Why wasn’t I able to speak up earlier? How did I forget that communication was my own best form of therapy? Speaking of therapy, the psychiatrist that I got assigned to never called back. There’s that.
I do talk to the Mr. about everything and he pretty much knows every single detail about me at this point, but as he is so dearly close to me, it makes it difficult for me to express my complications in the same context that I would explain to an acquaintance. I have the very same issue regarding my close friends as well. I believe that it’s primarily because it’s a lot easier to throw the burden on strangers than it is to someone whom you’ve known a lifetime. Call me selfish but that’s just how I am. You’re still reading this for that very reason. Excuse the lack of content as I’m only running on 2.5 hours of sleep – I’m working on it, I promise.
Catch up and read Part I!